


Summer (Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier X Reader)

by S0N9_M1N0



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert, Tony's daughter!Reader, stark reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2019-06-25 21:30:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 18,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15649296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/S0N9_M1N0/pseuds/S0N9_M1N0
Summary: She reminded him of his good days- handsome Lieutenant Barnes, flirty and cool as always. She built a fort inside of his mind, and never left.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Get away from me, you evil devilish hippie!"

"(Y/N), I'm sorry to ask-"

"You always say you're sorry to ask. Then you swear at some random idiot and beat him up." Your fingers hovered in midair, pondering. "What do you want me to hack?"

"You know me too well. But of course, you're a Stark. That's to be expected." An unrepeatable cussing session soon followed, after much blasting sounds and Cap shouting, "Watch your language, Tony!" in the distance.

"Listen to what Cap says." You scold him, pressing one finger gently to the earpiece. "Is that _shouting?_ Is Thor shouting again?"

"Um, yeah. I think someone hit him in the balls."

"The _balls?_ Poor guy." A pause. "Then what do you want me to hack?"

"Pull up a file on this guy." A ping on your phone alerted that you had a message from _Stark Dad <3._

You sent it to your computer in one simple move and pulled up a picture of this guy with a ski mask. He had long hair, and one of his arms was gleaming metal with a star painted near the shoulder. He seemed to be turning around.

Your fingers a blur on the keyboard, you quickly pulled up all references of him. "Um, he's apparently called the Winter Soldier. He's been spotted for over 30 years, yet he never seems to age or to become different. Ooh, look, there's a whole friggin' file about him! But I can't access it."

"What source does it belong to?" Prompted your father's voice. "Hack it."

Apparently, your very unfit father who was not very good at his parental duties.

"It says...." You leaned closer. "Am I reading this right? HYDRA. That's from the Greek myths, isn't it? The monster, cut off one head-"

"-two more grow back." Tony's voice sounded urgent yet sort of.... afraid. "(Y/N), baby girl, get out from there, okay?"

"I already hacked into it. It was easy, really, though. Took about a minute." You adjusted your screen. "Winter Soldier. He's been living since- is this even real? It says he's been through cryopreservation and several stages of full memory wipe."

"(Y/N)!" He sounded desperate. "Please, just get out! Delete all history, get out, leave no trace!"

"I won't, dad. That's one of the main rules of hacking."

"DID YOU GET OUT?" He shouted. The blasting in the background was louder.

You nodded, even though he couldn't see you. "Yeah, yeah, I did! Why is it so important anyway, though?"

On the other side, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank god."

"What thank god?" You said, a little sour that you didn't get to read the rest. "Why?"

"Fry the hard drive. Wipe the software of its memory." He said. "That means shove off, chickenface!"

"Pardon?"

"Talking to someone else." You heard another rather large blast. "Come on, do as I say."

"I don't wanna lose any memory! I don't want to buy a new computer, too!"

"Come on, baby girl, I'll buy you a new one! Just do it!" He pleaded.

"Build me one yourself. Please, dad?"

"You already have three other computers."

"Cause I need all of them."

"Fine. Anything for my girl, though." He coyly put in. You just rolled your eyes and wiped the entire memory of the computer.

And for the fireworks.

You unplugged your computer and brought it to the windowsill. Grimacing a little, you held it out of the window and clicked your fingers. A small flame sparked between them, and you pressed your fingers to the metal, feeling it grow hot, and released a few sparks of electricity for good measure. The computer burst into flames and your arms began to ache with the pressure of holding it out like this-but you couldn't risk anything like last time, when you accidentally set your carpet and your bed on fire. And giving Avengers Tower an electrical problem.

"Did what you asked." You said grumpily, taking the charred remains of the computer and throwing it in the SCRAPS corner. "Happy?"

"We're coming home tomorrow." Tony answered. "Good work, baby girl."

"Take care of yourself." You replied. "Try to prevent Thor from killing anyone important. I'd hate to see them dead just because of a groin injury."

"Always this sass." He chuckled. "I love you."

"I love you too." You replied, and switched off your earpiece, setting it on the nightstand with a sigh.

* * *

You lay in bed and thought about the HYDRA thing you had seen. Why had Tony been so intent on getting no trace of you? Why had he insisted you fry the computer?

Most of all, who was the Winter Soldier?

You desperately tried to organize the thoughts in your head and was just about to go make coffee for yourself when a small _chink_ caused you to jump lightly onto the balls of your feet. It had come from the next room over, which meant that the person, whoever it was, had either taken the lift or climbed up a few stories. Which wasn't all that impossible, considering Peter (whom you basically considered your little brother) and his spider-like abilities.

Not speaking and barely breathing, you grasped the swiss army knife you always had from the bedside table and flicked out the knife. You could hear a slight tiptoeing and froze, diving behind your desk as a figure approached the room.

_Maybe it's another crazed fan looking for Thor's signatures again?_

But no. As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, you could see he was a man with long dark hair and a ski mask-

_Like the Winter Soldier._

You stifled a gasp and waited patiently for him to make his way over to the table so you could launch a surprise attack. You gripped your knife and as he drew nearer your muscles tensed up, no doubt getting ready to spring from your hiding spot.

You heard his footsteps freeze, an inch away from you, and you rolled, slashing at his legs, and came up on your feet. He gave a slight grunt of surprise as he fell, but quickly regained balance and threw a punch towards you. The arm that threw the punch was metal.

Definitely the Winter Soldier.

"You're the Winter Soldier, aren't you?" Ducking a hit. "Cryopreserved in ice."

He didn't reply, instead sidestepping the kick and grabbing your leg. You locked your legs around his midsection and flipped him, pulling away and rolling just in time to see him crash onto the ground. He stood up quickly though, and responded with a quick jab to your solar plexus you barely defeated. He grabbed your swinging arm and flipped you over his hip- you crashing into the table. You groaned slightly and backed up towards the wall, flicking on the light so his eyes would have trouble adjusting. While he was temporarily blinded, you smacked his side but he just absorbed it like it was nothing and grasped that wrist, and spun you around, gripping the other one so that both arms were pulled behind your back. You felt his knee between your shoulder blades and he deftly took out a syringe, inserting it into your neck.

"Get away from me, you evil devilish hippie!" You struggled but could feel yourself becoming drowsier, and your head hit the floor. The last thing you saw was the Winter Soldier's emotionless eyes examining you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I think I'm freaking out. I think I'm freaking out so bad. Oh my god, I think I'm freaking out. Am I freaking out? I'm pretty sure I'm freaking out. Yeah, I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out."

The first thing you felt when you regained consciousness was leather straps digging into your wrists.

You were just about to open your eyes when you remembered the past incidents- _The Winter Soldier, hacking files, middle of the night-_ and decided alerting them that you were awake wasn't that much of a good idea. Instead, you poured your attention out to your ears and nose, mentally thanking Nat for the training sessions you had.

A metallic smell- dungeon? Blood? Lots of metal. You couldn't be sure, but there was also a kind of "clean" smell to it, like someone had set up a mini hospital there.

You could hear distinctive talking, in another language, but of course you could understand- being taught Russian as well as.... a lot.... of other languages.

More footsteps. There was slight heavy breathing next to you, and you matched the one with the Winter Soldier.  _Standing next to me, most likely keeping watch._

Why did he have to _guard_ you? He was a frigging 186 and you were only a tiny 162, _twenty-four_ centimeters between you.

" _She does not appear to be out of the ordinary, putting aside the incredible hacking skills she has._ " you heard a man's voice say, and almost sighed in relief- they didn't know anything about your powers. Trying to keep calm, you shook your sleeve slightly for the lockpick you always put in your sleeve. Then you realized you were wearing your pyjamas- a tee with the _STARK INDUSTRIES_ logo on it, a size too big and swallowing up your jogging shorts. So basically, no lockpick.

You gritted your teeth and swung your legs silently, eyes still closed, trying to be as natural as you could. There must have been something next to you, because it clattered and you heard footsteps coming towards you. Two, in fact.

" _She is awake!_ "

Crap.

Since they already knew, and it was a waste of two perfectly good eyes, you snapped them open and blinked a little to adjust to the light. It was a large chamber, with bars for walls on some of the sides. You were strapped to the large dentist chair in the middle, a few machinery here and there. The Winter Soldier stood next to you, head straight and perfectly still like the guards in Buckingham Palace.

"Ah. So you are awake." A little man in a doctor's coat scuttled up. You felt the leather straps on your wrists.

"Well, duh. My eyes are open and I'm talking. Unless I sleep with my eyes open and sleeptalk, I'm pretty sure I'm awake."

"Sassy as always." A deep voice mused, and you snapped around to see a guy suspiciously dressed like a captain.

Your eyes flickered between him and the doctor guy. "What's happening? I think I'm freaking out. I think I'm freaking out so bad. Oh my god, I think I'm freaking out. Am I freaking out? I'm pretty sure I'm freaking out. Yeah, I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out."

Okay, that didn't turn out so well.

"(Y/N) Stark." He leaned closer to you, and stroked your cheek. "Beautiful as always." You wrinkled your nose and pulled back as far as possible.

"Your breath stinks, nasty man."

"I have heard of your.... abilities." He pondered his words a little, and gestured to the doctor guy. "Free her."

He scrambled forwards, almost tripping, and fumbled with your bounds.

"Aren't you afraid that I'll.... oh, do something?"

"I have the asset to protect me." He nodded, and you rubbed your wrists, letting the circulation back in.

"What asset?" Then your realized the only "asset" in this room was the Winter Soldier. "Oh, you mean the Winter Soldier."

"We have decided to recruit you-"

"And that also means kidnap."

"-to HYRDA's cause."

"Oh, so you're the cut-off-one-head-and-grow-two-more like a potted plant guy."

His eye twitched a little, which meant you were getting on his nerves. Good.

"Every day, you will be....taking your time upgrading the security of the HYDRA base."

"What makes you think I'll do that? I'm Stark's daughter, like, _puh-lease._ " Sniffing in distaste.

He nodded. "If you do not do as we say, then..." Gesturing to the dentist chair. "...this is a-"

"Dentist chair?" You offered.

"-memory wiping system. This will erase all past memories, and the asset is just an example of what happens to those who are put through the process."

You turned around and mesmerized, started walking over to the Winter Soldier. "So that's what happened to you, huh?"

He stayed silent.

"Nice prosthetic arm, by the way."

Still silent, unmoving.

"Gives the real gothic vibe off you, right? You look like a hippie crossed with a goth guy crossed with an army sergeant."

"Miss Stark." The guy said loudly. "How do you say to this?"

"Lose my memory or do some upgrades?" You shrugged. "I'll go with the upgrade, thank you."

His lips curled up into a sneer. "Be thankful you were even given a choice, Miss Stark. The asset was not."

"Stop calling him asset." You snapped. "You're thinking of him as a thing. He's not a thing. He's _human._ This-" You spread your hands, meaning the HYDRA (what you assumed was the) base, the scary dentist chair, the Winter Soldier, everything. "-is wrong. Doing this to _him_ is wrong. God, does he even know his name? Other than 'the asset', which you insist on calling him to make him feel less human and more powerless."

"Starting to warm up to the asset, are we, Miss Stark?" The captain nodded. "You shall see why we do not in a few days."

"And that's supposed to scare me?"

"I have had enough of your attitude, Miss Stark. The only reason you are alive right now is because of the knowledge you hold."

"Great."

Then he slapped you. The sound was sharp and loud, filling the entire room. It must have been your imagination, but you could see the Winter Soldier's fists clench harder. "And you will call me sir from now on. Do you understand?"

"Yessir." You gave him a mock salute as the soldiers dragged you away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Not to sound like a yoga instructor or anything, but dude, just breathe."

You had grown accustomed to cell life.

Watching Netflix in your spare time when you weren't setting up defense systems for HYDRA, scraping hummus off the egg sandwiches you got three times a day (being allergic to chickpeas), talking to Johnny the toilet in ten different languages, and chatting with Bing.

That was now your daily routine, and by the digital calendar, you realized you had been here for a week and a half.

Tony would be searching for you desperately back home, almost going crazy. Natasha would be out of her mind, you were like a little sister to her, Capsicles would be trying to calm everybody down and get a strategic way of searching for you. Thor would be blasting the roof to smithereens, and Hulk would just peek in your room and grunt disappointedly when you weren't there. Hawkeye would go rogue, probably, searching for you all over New York and come back at midnight exhausted. You thought they would be disorganized.

"I'm really scared." Flopping down on your bed after finishing the last touches of security on your computer, you wondered what was going on in the outside world. They had blocked Twitter, Instagram, Skype, anything that could alert the Avengers to your presence. It was annoying, not only because you couldn't reach out to them, but also because you couldn't follow Trump on Twitter and give him a two-hour speech about how Obama was better, or follow @woozico0914 or @realllllmino on Instagram and see what Korean idols were up to. "I'm really scared."

You were talking to Johnny the toilet- which you assumed was a sign of Stockholm Syndrome. "I'm so scared, and all I can do to disguise the fear is to pretend I'm not scared. They're probably going crazy back home, I would do anything to make sure this doesn't happen. God, I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could use my powers-" Whispering that part, "-to escape this place, but I'm too afraid that I'll get caught and they'll mind wipe me and turn me into the Summer Soldier or something. I am so scared."

He did not answer.

"I know you don't even have eyes, but I really wish someone was in your pace right now. I don't care if Lady Gaga comes up wearing her meat dress, or my old math teacher who kept on insisting I needed to fit in so gave me 5th grader math questions when I was in 5th grade, when I actually was supposed to be in the 9th grade level. I'm frigging scared. I just want another person besides me- I don't care if it's bully 7th grade who got my drink poured all over his face after I put salt in it cause he called me a selfish emotionless daddy's girl whore when he tried to get me expelled, or if it's Stevie after I took his shield and had practice with it, or if it's even the Winter Soldier himself. I wonder if he gives good hugs. I hope he does, and I hope someday he gives me one. A real nice one, not one where he hugs me because he needs to stab me. Everybody pronounces E equals MC two like  E equals MC two, but actually the correct one is E equals MC squared. It's so dumb. People are so dumb, even my dad cause he doesn't understand the value of things, and not even the value of family. Stevie's so nice to me, and he's really human, so I really like him. He's really nice and he's like a second dad to me. Hulk is kind of like my big brother who's kind of dumb, but when he's Bruce he's really nice and we spend tons of time going over science stuff."

You take a deep breath.

"Hawkeye is like a concerned big brother too, he always goes soft on me in sparring because he's worried he'll hurt me, and he always saves a seat for me at breakfast, and gives me a fist bump. He's a dad too, you know, so I think I get it. 'Tasha is like a sister to me, she's always being such a great person. But really though, I think Thor is the weirdest. He always throws the cups onto the floor and shouts 'Another!'. And he burps on the table, which is kind of creepy cause I'm still eating. He's so fit, I don't see how he can eat seven granola bars for breakfast and still have a six pack."

The toilet still did not answer.

"You're stupid, you never answer." You, thinking the toilet was not worth your time, started typing on your computer on the HYDRA files for  _the Winter Soldier._

The Winter Soldier. Age: 50+, Height: 186, Name-

A pounding at the door sent the computer under the blankets and closed. "Yeah?"

"We have been informed to fetch you to the chamber, Miss Stark."

Your eyes widened. For what reasons?

"For what reasons?" You called back, and the door opened, revealing two guards.

The one in front shrugged. "All I know is that you are to come with us."

Sighing, you let him escort you through a maze of hallways into a familiar place. The dentist chair room.

The captain was waiting there, with a sly smirk on his face. "Ah, Miss Stark, so nice of you to join us."

You scanned the room- and your heart fell at what you saw. The room was surrounded by men with guns, the weapons all trained on the Winter Soldier. He was standing next to the dentist chair, equipment scattered all over the floor, and his hand was grasping the doctor guy's collar, lifting him several inches off the floor. You could see the sheen of sweat on his brow.

"Wha.... what's happening? Why am I here?"

His smile only grew wider. "Have you ever heard of putting a goat inside a horse's stall?"

You stared blankly at him, then it clicked. The calming effect.

"You... you're going to put me in there with him? That's insane!"

"It might work." He nodded. "Bring her in."

Your eyes were wide, terrified, and you resisted as they shoved you into the room. But, alas, due to your tiny form, no matter how lean you were, they managed to get you fully in.

Behind you, the lock of the door clicked shut.

You started to panic- you wanted to scream, tell them they had no right to do this. Tell them you were going to die. But that would just aggravate the Winter Soldier, and you were pretty sure he was in a bad mood.

"Hey." You mumbled. "What's wrong?"

He didn't answer. You were starting to think even Johnny the toilet was better company than that when he replied, voice husky and hoarse- "They're all selfish idiots."

You winced. "I understand." Then biting your lip a little. "Not to sound like a yoga instructor or anything, but dude, just breathe. You're _mad_ and I get that, I have anger management issues too, but you're not going to help if you grab that poor guy and shake him out of his wits, even if I do enjoy what I'm seeing."

He was silent, again.

"And really? They're aiming the guns at you. You make one wrong move and you'll _die._ "

His face contorted in anger as he turned towards you. "I don't CARE!"

"Then why are you hesitating?" You stepped closer to him. "You can snap his neck, you can kill me easily with that metal arm of yours. Why are you hesitating?"

"I'm not." His voice hoarse, a bare whisper.

"Let go of him, and they won't shoot you. They won't harm you." You pressed on. "They're aiming the guns at you because you're letting your anger get in control. Believe me, I get that. I want to set the world on fire sometimes, I'm _angry._ But you can't let it get in control or it'll hurt people. It'll hurt _you._ "

He just turned away, pondering. You were beginning to think your little speech had no effect when he dropped doctor guy like a sack of rocks.

"Good." You mumbled. "Great."

He growled and strolled over to you, looming over you like he was about to kill you.

_I'm dead._

_Give my computers to Tony so he can look at my improvements. Give my equipment to Nat so she can practice.. Give my snacks to Clint so he can eat it while watching <Rocky Horror Picture Show>. Give my plushies and science equipment to Hulk. Give my phone to Capsicles so he can learn to be modern. Give my cups to Lightning man so he has spares._

But he didn't even touch you.

"You made me let go of him." He snarled.

You gave a little smile. "You chose to let go of him. You chose to listen to me."

The Winter Soldier just turned away. You could see his fists clench and unclench, trying to get rid of the anger.

You didn't know what possessed you. Glancing at his metal arm, you took it and set it lightly on your arm.

"I trust you." You told him. "I trust you can manage to calm down, and I trust that you won't hurt me, and if I'm wrong I'm probably going to end up with a broken arm but I don't care, cause I trust you can do this."

His prosthetic arm hovered over your real one.

He dropped it.

You breathed a sigh of relief, and the guards clanged into the room. He walked over to the captain and stood in front of him.

"Take the asset back to its cell." He commanded, and two guards tore away from the others to accompany him. He just huffed and walked faster so that they couldn't catch up.

"And as for Miss Stark," He turned to you. "Bring her back to his cell. She will find permanent residence there from now on. We may find a better use for her there."

_HIS ROOM??????_

You let the guards lead you away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY??????????????

You flop on your new bed and scream into the pillows.

_WHY?????????????_

Why did you have to move into a room, a private room, with a bed, with a man? What if he tried to rape you? What if he killed you because he was mad? What if he gave you a disease like E. Coli or something? What if anything happened?

You feel like your head is about to burst, and do the one thing that never fails you- you open the sleek HYDRA computer.

When you open it, there's one file on the screen. The file you were reading.

Apparently, he had been here since 1943. That was.... that was.... a hell of a long time. This meant since he looked about thirty to thirty-five, it meant he was basically about a hundred years old.

His birthday was 1917, so..... he was officially about 100 years old. So you were stuck in a room with an old man who looked to be in his thirties and killed people because he was brainwashed into it.

He had been in a section called the "Howling Commandos", apparently, and even before that the 107th Infantry Regiment. In World War 2.

Huh. That was a whole lot of coincidences, seeing as how Capsicles had been in the exact same era. He had mentioned a friend who had gone missing and possibly died there, when just the two of you were talking .He had happened to mention the name-

You dropped the computer to the floor.

_James "Bucky" Barnes._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Do you know how horrible it is to be allergic to things? I'm allergic to chickpeas, and that stuff makes up hummus. Which means I cannot enjoy my egg sandwich without almost swelling up my tongue to the size of a whole chicken."

You had spent the past time piecing up the information and figuring out  _why the hell_ you had ended up in such a coincidental.... coincidental....

All right, there was no other word for it.

Coincidental  _bullshit._

From what Cap had told you, he had been on a mission when he fell to his death on a train going _very_ fast. From what HYDRA had told you, he had fallen, gotten picked up by HYDRA, and had been given a prosthetic arm and a full mind wipe by a Mister Arnim Zola whom you wanted to kill right now.

From what Cap had also told you, he had been a skirt-chaser in his Brooklyn days. That wasn't the man you were seeing now- the man with long hair and a gruff voice. The man Cap had been talking about was smooth, charming, and  _fun._ Not.... not....

Not this broken HYDRA toy with dead eyes and an emotionless face.

You weep at what's going to happen to you, if they're going to make you into one of him, too, witless, soulless machines who just live for the purpose for serving HYDRA. You weep at how he had been Cap's only and best friend before he fell off the train, and for his troubles got a metal arm and brainwashing. You weep at how HYDRA makes people so different from what they were, how they could have made him from a smooth talking gentleman into a mindless soldier who follows orders without a second glance and has anger management issues. You weep at how they could have been so damn  _cruel_ to him, experimenting on him and taking away his will. You weep silently, sobs wracking your body and tears flowing down your cheeks that are soaked up by the pillow. You didn't want any of this. You didn't want it.

 _Ignorance is bliss,_ Thomas Gray had said. You didn't disagree. You had always been plagued by  _thoughts,_ and they came back a million times stronger, saying how that was going to happen to you, how you were going to be cryopreserved and woken up in 2050. You felt fear.

The door slammed open and a figure marched in. James Buchanan Barnes, 107th infantry regime. The door closes after him, by one of the guards.

He doesn't seem surprised to find you there. In fact, he seems used to it. He just sits down and strips himself, until all he's wearing is a loose shirt and combat pants.

You frantically crawl beneath the pillow (there are no covers) and wipe away your tears. You can't show this side of you to him.

As soon as you finish wiping away the tears and fixing yourself up, you snatch the pillow off your head and pick the computer up again, closing the tab and turning on another random one. You close it, and realize the Winter Soldier's looking at you.

"What?"

It comes out harsher than you meant it to be, and you wince a little. "Sorry. But you do know it's creepy to stare at people while they're bored and wearing nothing but their pyjamas?"

He just goes back to doing god knows what. You peek at what he's doing and realize there's a nasty slash on his forearm, the non-metal arm, that is.

"Doesn't that hurt?" You had learned first-aid with Nat, and it was getting a teeny bit rusty anyway, so you take his forearm gently with a "May I?" and set it on your lap.

He's holding a alcohol pad, a small bottle of medicine, a cotton swab and a band-aid. You sigh before taking hold of his muscular arm and dab at it gently with the alcohol pad. It stings when you do it to your cuts and you almost always yelp, but he doesn't even flinch. After the alcohol pad, you reach towards the cotton swab, but it's not there. You look around but see that he's holding it towards you, one end already coated with the medicine. You mumble your thanks and roll it over the wound. He flinches a little then, but relaxes again as you take the swab away. You glance at the band-aid- plain, with the colour of a Caucasian male's (*cough* Bucky Barnes *cough*) skin. You tut. He just glances at you in surprise, and you take the band-aid and search for the pen you saw earlier rolling around. Someone must have dropped it but decided it was too cheap and insignificant to pick back up, and you hold the pen over the small band-aid before just settling on a  _"(Y/N) :)"._ You peel off the wrapping and stick it carefully, making sure to align the cut with the soft part.

"There." You grinned. "Much nicer to look at, don't you think?"

For a long time, you thought he didn't like it- he just stared at the black figures you had chalked on there.

Then a small smile spread across his features. It was much better than the serious expression- he looked younger, more handsome, more carefree. He looked human.

You leaned over and pinched his cheek. He turned more towards you, so that he was directly facing you instead of vaguely in your direction.

"You look better with a smile." You reminded him.

His metallic hand came up and touched yours, and the brush of metal was cold.

You thought,  _What the hell?_

He whispered, "Thank you."

You said, "Why do you never speak above a whisper?"

There was a clanging sound, and you turned to see your lunches.

He knelt to take the food and his shirt shifted, revealing more of the metal arm. It stretched up to his collarbone, possibly further.

"How..." You were at a loss for words. "How far does that thing go?"

He just glanced back at you and readjusted his shirt, tossing you the egg sandwich and settling down on his bed with his- believe it or not- burrito.

"What frigging country is this?" You laughed. "They gave you a frigging burrito? Oh my god, that is hilarious." You erupted into a fit of giggles. There was nothing funny, but you found the fact that he had a burrito increasingly funny. "Oh god, they gave me an egg sandwich, and they gave you a burrito."

He just stared at your giggling form. Soon, the giggling ceased and you were just sitting stiffly upright. "That is so not fair, though. Do you know how horrible it is to be allergic to things? I'm allergic to chickpeas, and that stuff makes up hummus. Which means I can't enjoy my egg sandwich without almost swelling up my tongue to the size of a whole chicken." You flopped down on your bed and unwrapped the sandwich, glancing sullenly at him. "I bet you're not allergic to anything, being super soldier and all."

Preparing yourself for the scraping match, you unwrapped it. But stopped when you felt a slight weight on the edge of your bed.

"What?" Looking up at the raggedly handsome face of James Bucky Barnes.

Wordlessly, he took the sandwich from you. You just sighed-  _let him do what he wants, he must have a legitimate reason for it._

He handed you his burrito.

Laughing, you mumbled a "Thank you". Barely.

The guards had to yell at you to shut up.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "They're starting to warm up to each other."

"Our part of the plan is continuing as you wished it to be, Captain." the scientist reported.

The Captain's lips curled up in a smile. "So how is the asset and his little.... friend doing?"

"Bonding." The scientist looked at his clipboard for a little bit. "He smiled at her, talked to her a little. I heard laughter. They're starting to warm up to each other."

He nodded, his smile being split wider. "Make sure they have fully bonded and are depending on each other before you take him away."

"Oh, I assure you I will." The scientist gave one little remark before walking towards the door. He opened it.

"Make sure you don't wipe his memory before they bond." The Captain called after him, and the scientist just nodded before closing the door.

The Captain chuckled to himself. The plan to break the Winter Soldier once and for all was working.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry, but that's all I can tell you."

This had become your daily routine.

Setting up new improvements to HYDRA bases, systems, anything. Bucky would come back at about dinner and you realized after about two more times of egg that they stopped putting hummus in your egg sandwiches and gives you chicken instead.

You've probably got Bucky to thank for that.

The Winter Soldier is nicer than you thought. More _human_ once you get to know him. He talks to you occasionally, and you help him clean his wounds most of the time, but sometimes the cell is filled with silence and you just lie separately.... just  _understanding._

You tell him about your life in the Avengers tower, making sure you put extra emphasis on Cap, but he doesn't seem to notice. He just listens. He's a listener.

You tell him random things about you, how you're allergic to chickpeas but almost died after accidentally swallowing one in kindergarten, how you love hacking, and you love making music. You tell him about your little studio in the Avengers tower where you have everything you need- workout stuff, computers, diesels so you can paint, the computer with specially outfitted systems to making music, and the soundproof system pasted on the walls. You tell him about Tony. You tell him everything, really, except for your powers. You leave that part out.

Every day you also hope Tony will come, but he doesn't. It's just a wish that gets extinguished and relighted again.

He laughs sometimes, smiles too, and he starts to talk more. Not that much, but definitely more.

Sometimes you recite a few poems you've memorized, like Edgar Allen Poe or T.S. Elliot or Emily Dickinson. You recite Shakespeare to him, and sometimes, you sing to him.

So now you're lying here, in the dark. You hear Bucky's quiet breathing from the other bed.

"(Y/N)."

You're surprised. He doesn't often talk to you first- it mostly takes you and exaggerated hand movements to start a conversation with him or get him to open up. "Yeah, Bucky?"

Then you realized you called him Bucky. It was the first time you had called him that- you hadn't told him about the past, because you knew if they found out they would wipe his memory.

There was a little bit of hesitation, then he sat up in bed. "Come here."

Further surprise. He didn't say those two words a lot- in fact, that was the first time he'd said those words.

You set down your pillow, which you were using as a cuddle toy, and walked over to him, plopping down next to him. "Yeah? What's wrong?"

"I..." He looked down, at his hands, then his eyes flickered back up to you. "I think I'm starting to remember something."

Your eyes widened as you looked at his face, searching for a lie. He had been wiped, completely- there was no way, unless.... unless the  _Bucky_ thing triggered something.

"Who?" You prompted. "What? When? Where? Why? How?"

He frowned. "I remember a.... a... a boy. He had blond hair, I think, and was.... was skinny?"

You grinned. "Great! Go on!" You knew who he was talking about- the man your father called "Boy Scout", Steven Grant Rogers.

"And I.... I remember he was getting... getting beaten up-"

You sighed. Stevie, as you remembered, had always been beaten up by bullies, or so he said.  _Always picking fights with bigger guys._

Bucky was glancing at you cautiously. "Am.... am I boring you?"

"No, just a memory." You smiled softly, and when you saw him hesitate, took his prosthetic arm and eased her fingers through his cool ones, remembering how just a few hours ago, you had patched the _mechanical_ one up because of a malfunction.

He relaxed, visibly. "-and... and anyways, I think I used to protect him from them, we were friends."

He was blushing a little bit. Not so much, but a teeny bit.  _He doesn't think of me anything more than a girl who hangs out in his cell, does he? I'm just imagining things._

Then he straightened, and turned to you. "What was that you called me? _Bucky?"_

"Uh..." You stuttered. "I... um.... you reminded me of someone I knew."

"There was a man on the bridge, for the mission I had today." He mumbled. "He.... he... called me Bucky, and he was so similar to the little guy I saw in my memories."

"That's nice." You averted your gaze from him.

"You know something, don't you?" His non-metal arm lifted your chin up, and his eyes bored into yours. It scared you- he was the Winter Soldier now, his eyes cold and hard,  _demanding_ you tell the truth, and there was such authority in his voice.

"No." You mumbled. "No, I don't."

"Bucky." He looked at you even deeper.  _"Just tell me the truth, (Y/N)."_

You really wanted to tell the truth. You really did. This was for his protection.

Or was it? Maybe it was just nothing more than selfishness, and how you wanted to preserve this moment forever. Maybe you were afraid that if he realized who he was, he wouldn't need you anymore and instead go to Steve, becoming that skirt chaser all over again. Maybe you were afraid he would just leave you in the dust.

But it was so  _damn wrong,_ keeping the truth from him.

"You're James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th." Tears sprang up into your eyes. "Bucky Barnes for short. I'm sorry, but that's all I can tell you."

Bucky looked down, mumbling  _Bucky Barnes_ over and over again, then looked at you in surprise.

"What?" You asked, puzzled.

He gasps. "My hand."

You glance down at your lap and realize your hand is fiery, almost on fire, and his is engulfed in flames. Your eyes widen in horror as you try desperately to suck up the heat energy. It doesn't work- you're too panicked. You take a few deep breaths as he pulls his hand away. Thank god it was the metallic hand and not the human one.

He looks around for anything to douse the red-hot heat with. His fingers are slightly glowing red from the heat.

"Bucky." You grab his hand again and feels the familiar tug, reeling in the heat again and disposing it through your other hand, which lights up the tip of the bed red-hot. It starts to fade.

His eyes scan over your face. Roaming over your eyes, your nose, your lips.

He growled. "You're going to be the death of me, (Y/N) Stark."

"What is that supposed to-" You yelped as he pushed you roughly to the wall, tearing his metallic arm from your grasp and pinning you one-handedly.  _I'm going to die. He was just pretending to be my friend._

But he didn't take out a gun and shoot you. Instead, his lips crashed onto yours.

You stifled a gasp as his other arm, the human one, winded around the curve your waist, just above your ass, and the momentary parting of your lips allowed him access to your mouth. His tongue slipped in, explored every inch of your tongue. You kissed him back like you were never going to be able to do that again, and he bit your bottom lip. That was definitely going to swell the next day.

Bucky tore his lips away from yours, hesitantly.

"Bucky..." You mumble. "About... about my powers...."

"Shh." He silences you, a hand to his lips. "You don't have to talk about it if you want.... doll."

You distantly gaze at the door of the cell, then your eyes flicker back to him. "I like that. You calling me doll, I mean."

"Good." He kisses you, shortly, again. "You don't have to talk about it if you want."

You fall asleep hypnotized by the sound of his breathing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We've been too soft on her."

You typed away at your computer as always, upgrading the HYDRA base in Australia. Nowadays, the upgrading was just something to pass the time- you were more  _waiting for Bucky._

The room was empty, with just your typing sounds filling it. There was footsteps down the corridor, and you knew it was him. Bucky.

The door clanged open, as always, and Bucky walked in. Seating himself on his bed, he just stared at you.

"Hey, Bucky." You smiled before going back to the upgrade.

Bucky looked at you as you rifled through the different upgrades you had made. "What are you doing?"

"Upgrading." You glanced up from your computer to see him still staring. "You're really creeping me out."

He shrugged and walked over to your bed to kiss you, a soft chaste one on the lips.

"I'm _working._ " You whined as he pulled you onto his lap. "You hungry for PDA or something?"

"Not public." He whispered before kissing you roughly. You pulled away and frowned at him.

"Firstly, I told you already, I'm working, and secondly, act more macho, Buck. You're acting like my dad does with Pepper in bed."

His expression morphed slightly into one of distaste and horror as he scooted away from you.

"Have you ever watched Rocky Horror Picture Show?" You asked him. "It's the most horrible thing ever. You shouldn't ever. For some reason though, Clint loves it."

He stayed quiet, and when you opened your mouth frowned and put a hand over it. Then you could hear it.

The stomping of feet.

The cell door was slammed open, and the Captain stood there, with the Scientist and some guards.

"Take the girl. We've been too soft on her." He ordered. "And as for the asset..."

You let out a sound of protest as the guard secured your arms behind his back.

"....wipe him."

Bucky's eyes were glancing at you, then them, then at the guards.

"He hasn't been wiped for too long. He's beginning to think he's human."

He lurched violently as the guards grabbed him. The two of you were marched into the room with the dentist chair.

"And make the girl watch."

A fierce look in his eyes, he started to complain, swinging back his arm. You only realized the dryness in your mouth and how you'd been holding back your tears when a cold barrel was pressed to your head.

All commotion stopped. Bucky looked at you, then at the chair.

"Get in the chair, asset."

He got in the chair.

"Strap him up."

They did.

You started to beg, begging the Captain that you would do anything, that you would rather get brainwashed yourself, but he didn't listen. The Winter Soldier was given something to bite on.

The chair tipped back.

You started to cry.

The mechanics started working, and Bucky started screaming.

You started screaming.

The little spark in you went out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, god, please tell me you remember...."

The man you see isn't Bucky.

He's the Winter Soldier.

You feel yourself getting colder.

There's a sinkhole in your gut, one that can't be mended, and you feel numb.

"Your powers."

Shocked, you stare at them.

"Pardon me?"

"We want you to use your powers on missions."

"What makes you think I'll do that?" You spit. "Just mind wipe me like your precious asset, then."

He glared at you coldly. "We are afraid you might lose some.... valuable information. Instead, we offer you a more peaceful solution. Do as we say, and you will not get hurt."

"You think I'll say yes?!" You shout. "I'm Tony Stark's goddamn daughter!"

You feel the emotions rushing in again. You feel yourself getting lost in them, getting drowned in them. You feel the depression whispering things in your ear again.

_It's coming back._

His gaze regarded you coldly. "Oh, this path will be painful for you, Miss Stark."

"I don't give a shit if it's painful for me!" You snap, and that's when you lose it- using Nat and Capsicle's training, along with Hawkeye's classes, you swing yourself over the desk and lock your long legs around his neck. His nails rake at your skin, but you don't care. You just want to snap it.

You're almost there when a cold metal arm grips the back of your shirt and tears you off the Captain.

Bucky.

Or rather, not.

He throws you back in your seat. Helping HYDRA. Helping the enemy.

"Oh, god, please tell me you remember...." You plead with him.

He just regards you with cold, dead eyes, and you cry.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Give up now and you won't suffer any pain."

The dimly lit cell is cold, and reeks of a pungent metallic odor.

You shiver and curl up in a corner, trying not to get hypothermia or die. Yes, the Avengers themselves trained you for these conditions, and yes, some of them are super spies and super soldiers, too, but no, you haven't experienced those kind of conditions firsthand.

The door creaks open and you shrink into the corner further, hoping maybe that it's a guard, or it's a stray guy who's just lost his way.

Who you see totally surprises you.

It's  _Bucky._

Your eyes widen and you stand up, rushing towards him, your movements restricted by the chains. "I-"

You never get to finish your sentence- he grabs your wrist and harshly pushes you down on the floor. You see his cold Winter Soldier stare and falter.  _This isn't Bucky._

The Winter Soldier walks over to a stand you didn't notice before.

What's displayed on it makes your insides go cold.

There's all kinds of torture instruments- knives, hammers, you name it.

His eyes scan over the racks and take a scapel.

Your eyes widen.

He just turns towards you wordlessly, and you give a little gasp in realization.

Bucky- who used to kiss you and smile at you fondly- was going to  _torture_ you.

Oh, god. HYDRA was cruel.

You feel yourself shaking, a panic attack coming to you.

"Give up now, Miss Stark, and you won't have to suffer any pain. All you'll be is a new asset."

No, you don't want to help HYDRA.

"No." You whisper shakily.

Your screams fill the cell and the smell of blood is stronger than ever.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Who the hell is Bucky?"

You're exhausted. Inside and out.

You don't know how many days you've been here.

You don't care, because all you care about is  _Bucky, Bucky, Bucky._

But you're not going to give your powers up to HYDRA. It's a power that dubs you as one of the most powerful being in the world, and HYDRA could use you as a wrecking ball if they had control if it. They could take control of the Earth as easily as they'd take control of a kid's playground.

And you'd be the one helping them.

But you just want to  _give up,_ _and there's agonizing pain everywhere, every move you make just hurts so damn much, and you can't help it that every time your former love comes towards you, you flinch, because you imagine his cold hands gripping a knife and dragging it across your skin, the sound hidden by your screams._

You wish the Avengers could come rescue you, but at the same time you wish they won't, because you don't want them to see you like this, broken, half dead, exhausted.

Hearing that ever so familiar pattern of steps, you sigh. A sigh of defeat, yet saying,  _"Don't even think about it."_

The Winter Soldier strides into your cell.

His eyes roam around the stand, and this time he takes a small carving knife.

The small ones hurt the most.

You shrink away as he strides towards you. You don't want the pain. You don't want it.

The same words, again, through the same speaker: "Give up now, Miss Stark, and you won't have to suffer any pain. All you'll be is a new asset."

"No..." you sob. It doesn't help that you used to be depressed, even before this whole.... this whole.... this whole enchilada. "What kind of cruel.... cruel son of a bitch are you?"

He sighs. "Same as always. Go on, asset."

The Winter Soldier leisurely walks over to you, and you feel yourself visibly tremble. "Bucky, please....."

He kneels down, and in a gruff voice, snaps, "Who the hell is Bucky?"

Oh, cruel fate.

You feel your heart shatter. Trying to do something, you curl up in a ball.

He takes your wrist in a steel grip and wrenches it away, earning a cry of pain from your lips. You're still unhealed from yesterday's sessions, but they cut you anyway. You want to tell them to stop.

The cry means  _nothing._

_Absolutely nothing._

"He was given.... ah, some special orders today, Miss (Y/N)." You can hear the smile in his voice. "Enjoy."

You want to scream to them, to yell at them how they could be this inhuman.

Closing your eyes, you wait for the pain.

Whispering to yourself, and to him, too: "Just remember, it was the Winter Soldier who did this. Not you."

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I... it hurts...."

The Winter Soldier has not come in three days.

There is another person to substitute for him, the Captain himself, and he seems angrier than usual, inflicting pain twice or even thrice the amount of which the Winter Soldier did, and the amount of pain Bucky inflicted was... unimaginable.

He goes hard on you.

You still say no to his proposal.

You thank god that Bucky doesn't come anymore, but you aren't sure if that's a good or bad thing, because it either meant that he died or he escaped.

Today, the Captain strolls into the cell as usual, and pridefully tries not to slip in the blood.

In your blood.

You just realize how much you bled. It's covering the whole cell, and it just reeks.

He strides towards you, and starts to say the same thing again....

When the door is blasted off its hinges.

He turns, surprised, and whips out his gun, but faster than he can react, there's a bullet through his heart and he's falling to the floor.

"Not fast enough." Natasha Romanoff smirks, and holsters her gun again.

Hawkeye looks at the scene in front of him, all bloody, and runs out. You hear throwing up noises.

Tony frowns. "What's that smell? Blood?"

Cap just kneels down and touches the blood on the floor. "Someone bled all over this place."

"Starting from about a week and a half ago, looking at the blood, so it isn't that guy I shot." Natasha crouches down. "Who was here?"

He scans the room. Your breath catches when his eyes sweep over you, but he just shrugs. "No one there."

"FRIDAY, analyze this blood." Tony tells FRIDAY.

"Will do."

A pause.

A whirring sound you can only guess as analysis.

_Don't let them find me like this, please, weak and defenseless and covered in blood..._

"Blood matched."

_No, please...._

_"Matched with Miss (Y/N) Stark."_

Tony whimpers. "No, no, not my baby girl..."

"Tony," Nat offers her condolences. "Maybe it's just a mistake or-"

"IT'S NOT A GODDAMN MISTAKE!" Tony shouts. "FRIDAY DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES, I DESIGNED HER MYSELF! AS MUCH AS I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT, THIS IS (Y/N)'S BLOOD!"

Cap sighs and looks down. "She's probably alive. HYDRA might think she's useful."

"If they thought she was useful, why is her blood painting the floor?" Tony snaps. "Where is she?"

Hawkeye stumbles into the room, and his gaze lingers uncomfortably on you. "Oh, god..." he mumbles. "(Y/N)...."

"What?" Tony turns towards him.

He just looks at him weirdly. "What are you, blind? All of you? She's right there." Pointing straight to you.

"She's in the corner." Cap narrows his eyes at you, and he nods. "Yes, I can see her."

_No, NO, NO! Damn Hawkeye's super vision!_

"(Y/N)?" Nat steps forwards, ad takes out a small torch, shining it towards you. The light is blinding, and you whimper at the first bright light you've seen for one and a half weeks.

"Baby girl..." Tony's eyes widen as he takes in your scarred, bloody form.

"(Y/N), come here." Nat doesn't concern herself with the blood as she unlocks your cuffs, holding onto your wrist. You wince. "Are you okay?"

Cap kneels next to you, and you can't help but have a flash of deja vu- he looks so similar to Bucky in height, stockiness, body structure that you can't help it. You flinch away from him. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"I think she needs someone less huge right now." Nat just smiles at you. "Hey, hey. It's okay. We're here now."

You sob and bury your face in her chest, wincing at how the material aggravates your scars. "N...nat?"

"Yeah. We're here. You're safe now."

"I... it hurts...." The Avengers know you're not one to bawl or complain about pain, so they know that when you do, it's serious. "I.... I miss Tony."

Perking up at the sound of his name, Tony walks over to you and the visor of his helmet snaps up, revealing the ever so familiar face. "Hey, kiddo."

"I've been waiting for you so.... so..." You wipe your tears with the back of your hand, the blood and tears mingling with each other. "....so long."

"I'm sorry, (Y/N)." He shushes you and rocks you, like he used to do when you were small. "God, I'm so sorry."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "He was called the Winter Soldier."

You don't think things can ever be the same again.

They try to undress you and clean your wounds, but you know none of them will ever understand.

Not even Tony.

The only one you let into your room after you get back is Natasha, because she's been through this before, and although it isn't the same circumstances necessarily, she can still understand. She tries to persuade you to let Cap in too, and even though you know he's not the same as Bucky or the Captain, you can't help feeling frightened at his muscular form. You don't let Thor in either. Both of them scare you.

Tony visits occasionally, but only when you're not nursing your wounds, because his heart shatters into a million tiny pieces when he sees what HYDRA's done to you. He rarely ever sleeps anymore, preferring to spend time working to take his mind off things.

To prevent yourself from thinking of anything, to keep your head clear, you paint, make music, listen to music, work your ass off even though Nat says it's bad for you.

You do these things to stop yourself from thinking, yet you find yourself standing in front of a charcoal sketch of James Buchanan Barnes.

His ghost comes back to haunt you, even after what happened; you can't forget.

It's a burden you have to bear because of the fact that you have these goddamn powers, the fact that you live with the Avengers, the fact that you're Tony Stark's goddamn daughter. All those things put a target right on your chest.

You've been able to avoid all the bullets.

Until now.

You talk with Nat about things you couldn't talk about with others. You don't tell her how Bucky was the one who tortured you, though- and they all think it's the Captain who did, anyway.

You wake up at night screaming, because in your dreams knives are dragged across your skin painstakingly slow, and you see the cold, dead stare of the Winter Soldier that makes you shiver in fright.

They try to help you adjust and you lose control of your powers more often, waking up from your dreams to find that you've set fire to the blankets, or you're sleepwalking at the speed of sound, or the things around you started floating because you messed with their gravitational energy or you've woken everyone because you triggered the radios to a high enough sound it sounds like someone screaming really loud.

You hesitated. "Wha-" Struggling to form the right words. "Wha- what have you been doing while..." You just pointed at yourself.

Nat's gaze softened, knowing it was your attempt to make a decent conversation.

"We..." she thought. "We went and beat the bad guys."

Although you didn't feel like it, you plastered a smile on her face just for her sake. "Who was the bad guy?"

Nat shrugged, wrapping a bandage around your torso. "It was a mysterious guy that lived for over fifty years."

"Yeah, but who?"

"He was called the Winter Soldier."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You can't get rid of me."

_You're back in the room, the cell stinking of blood as ever. You wonder how you got here- as you remembered, the Avengers had rescued you._

_You hear footsteps and shiver at the deja vu. It can't be real, right?_

_But the patterns tell you they are._

_You yank at your arms and realize there are chains wound around them. You're starting to get afraid._

_The door opens, and you look up, hoping to see Cap or Nat or Tony, but instead you see a heart-stopping sight._

_Bucky._

_He parades into the room and you feel yourself shrinking away. The memories of you and him, kissing, sharing stories, just being there for each other is instantly banished by the thoughts of him carving words into your skin, slashing knives across your body. You shudder._

_"Time to open some old scars....doll."_

_Doll._

_You try to persuade yourself it isn't the same person, that it's the Winter Soldier and not Bucky, but that nickname triggers something in you._

_No matter what you tell yourself, he's Bucky Barnes._

_He grabs your wrist, as always, and examines the scars engraved into the skin: harshly cut letters, HYDRA._

_"Partially healed, doll?" He smirks. "You can't get rid of me."_

_From his collection, he once again takes out the scalpel and traces the words. Then, suddenly, the knife hovers over the H.  
_

_"Please..." You sob._

_He devilishly grins, and sinks the weapon into your skin._

_You start to scream._

"(Y/N)!"

_The pain is unimaginable._

"(Y/N)! Kiddo!"

_It feels so real. You're never going to escape._

_Bucky pulls the scalpel out and starts with the Y._

"Oh, god, she's not waking up! Tony, what do we do?"

_"Please..." you weep, and it escalates into a scream. You scream so much they all seem connected, like you're not even breathing._

"Call Nat!"

_Buck and the Winter Soldier is the same person._

"GO! NOW!"

_His laugh drives a stake through your heart._

"Please, baby girl, wake up...."

_"You're never going to escape, (Y/N). I'm doing this cause I love you." He kisses the H and Y, and lets the relief linger before shoving the knife into your skin, following the trail._

"I'll do anything, please, (Y/N) Stark.... I know you can do this. I know you can defeat your nightmares, because you're strong and you're Tony Stark's daughter."

_"No saying you love me back? That's a disappointment, doll." Not hesitating, he rips apart the R. Tears are streaming down your face, and sweat mingles with the salty liquid. You feel like you're going to die._

"Tony! Cap told me and I heard- oh, god."

_"Last letter, doll. Since our session is short, we'll have to treasure the moment, won't we?" He blows you a kiss. "Join me and become an asset of HYDRA, (Y/N). It's fun. Killing people, I mean."_

"(Y/N)."

_The knife plunges into the final letter, tearing a grotesque scream from your lips._

"(Y/N). Remember when me, you, Wanda, Peter and Cap went together to Dairy Queen just the day before yesterday? It was fun, wasn't it? You had Red Velvet and Vanilla. You love Red Velvet and Vanilla."

_Bucky disappears, and the scene changes. It's you lying in the bathtub right now, and you drag the knife across your skin. You just want to die._

"I think it worked, a little, anyway. Instead of screaming her head off she's sobbing."

"When did you get here?"

"A few minutes ago. But it's heartbreaking."

_Why wouldn't they let you die? Why couldn't you be a normal girl in a normal place with a normal life instead of Tony Stark's daughter? You hated yourself. You hated your life, your memories._

"She's crying so bad. Oh, god, baby girl, just wake up... you're frightening me. You wouldn't want your old man to have a heart attack, would you?"

"Shh. Remember what flavor Peter had at Dairy Queen?" A different voice.

_Peter had a chocolate volcano. I remember. We teased him for being childish...._

"Yeah, you're right, (Y/N).  Remember what flavor Cap was fascinated with?"

_Cotton Candy._

"Right. (Y/N), we had a fun time, didn't we? Focus on the good memories."

_Good memories?_

_The word registered itself in your head a hundred times._

_Scenes flashed before your head: Tony pridefully grinning as you presented to him your own hand-built robot, whom you named Kiddo after what he called you; You shooting energy flashes at moving targets like hit-the-duck-with-a-gun; Tony taking you to the amusement park and groaning when you insisted on riding the highest, most scariest rides; going girl's night shopping with Nat and Wanda; laughing at Peter's dumbfounded face when he listened to Cap ranting about his younger days; sharing a bag of chips with Clint as you watched <Lord of the Rings> and commented on how you could be scarier than Gandalf, or how you could totally beat the scary demon on the bridge whom Gandalf shouted "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" to, or how Hawkeye could totally shoot better than Legolas, or how Hulk's feet were bigger and stinkier than the hobbits'._

"Clint!" You gasped and sat up.

You looked around to see everyone glancing at you uneasily; Tony, who slumped in his chair, looking relieved, Nat, whose hand you were holding, Cap, who was leaning over with a concerned expression, and Clint, holding your other hand. And in the distance, two very loud snoring sounds.

"Yeah, kid?" The archer smiled at you. "Good to see you're back."

"I..... I woke all of you?"

"(Y/N), you were screaming so loud you almost woke Thor himself." Cap frowned. "Are you okay?"

You took a deep breath. "Y... yeah, I'm okay. Wha-what time is it?"

"Three in the morning."

Four hours of sleep.

Not bad, considering how you had three the night before.

"Sorry. You can, uh, sleep now." You tug the sleeves of your oversized hoodie nervously over your hands. "Thanks. For being good friends and all that shit, you know?"

Cap's mouth opens in realization. "Oh, right. I have a, uh, friend who's going to come live with us from now on. He has a bit of.... PTSD, like you. I already discussed this with Tony and he said sure. So he'll be moving in."

"Great." You say dryly. "I hope we get to be friends."

Cap nods and plodders back towards his room. Nat, after giving your hand one final squeeze, heads towards her room too.

Tony looks at you for a long time.

"I love you so much, kiddo. You know that too, right?"

You nod, and he presses a kiss to the top of your head before walking out. The others trail out one by one until the only ones left in your room is you and Wanda.

"You know, (Y/N), if you're troubled with those thoughts I could always take a look."

You shake your head. "It's fine."

"Or you could talk?" She suggested. "Girl's night, right?"

"Wanda, can I tell you something?" You really didn't want to burden her with the knowledge, but you feel that if you don't tell anyone, you're going to burst. "Something you won't tell anybody?"

She nods. "You can trust in me, (Y/N)."

"When I was in HYDRA." You take a deep breath. "You know what happened to me, right?"

"Yes. The Captain tortured you and tried to force you to become his soldier, but you resisted and finally got freed."

You shook your head. "Before that."

"You had to make some modifications to their systems and things." She nodded. "Improve their security and things."

You lowered your head. "While I did that, I was.... roommates with another guy...." Tears began to pool in your eyes. "God, this is so painful...."

"You don't have to share if you want." Wanda rubbed your back soothingly, but you shook your head.

"No. I have to do this now. So.... they this guy was.... nice, and...." You pulled your knees up to your chest and rocked back and forth. Wanda moved from the chair to the side of your bed, next to you.

"And?"

"And..." Your voice was a bare whisper. "And I fell in love with someone named James Buchanan Barnes."

She just nods. She doesn't know about him, not yet.

"It was great for a week or so... then... it went wrong...." You sobbed. "They found out about my powers and tortured me, but it wasn't the Captain who tortured me. Remember he hates getting his hands dirty."

"Then.... then who?" Wanda looked horrified.

"The man I fell in love with... they wiped his memory. He was the one who tortured me...." You took a deep breath.

"He was the Winter Soldier."

Realization dawns on her face.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Time is golden. Unless you're a Stark. Then you have all the time in the world."

You roll your eyes as Wanda giggles excitedly, using her magic to drift in a small crate of things. "Maybe he's hot!"

"Shut up."

"Maybe he's your type." She wiggles her eyebrows and makes an "I'm-so-sexy" face. "Ooh."

"Shut up."

"Maybe...." She sets the crate down and grabs your shoulders, shaking you excitedly. "Maybe he'll like us!"

You wince as her fingertips dig into one of the scars. "Hey, easy, sister."

She realizes what she's doing and immediately draws her hands back. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry, (Y/N), did it hurt?"

"Not anymore." You lie, and roll your shoulders. "Okay, I think I'm fine."

Suddenly you remember something. "Shit."

"What?"

"I have to shave!"

"What? You're a man now?"

"Not a beard, Wanda!" You press a finger to your lips, eyes wide, and your other hand points down to your legs.

"You shave your-" Wanda looked at your legs and wrinkled her nose. "You shave your _legs?_ No wonder they were all un-hairy and stuff."

"Shh! It's not my fault." You grumble. "My legs are naturally super bushy."

She giggles. "Not as much as mine." Then she grabbed your arm and led you over to Cap. "Steve! When is he coming?"

"Soon." He checks his watch and rubs the back of his head uncomfortably. "It's just.... nothing. He's a little late."

"Just a little late." You muse. "Hmm. Tony's probably pissed off."

Tony bursts into the room. "ISHEHEREYETANDWHATAREALLOFYOUDOING!"

You laugh. "What, dad?"

"Is he here yet?"

"No."

"He's late?!" He huffs. "After all that generosity I gave him?"

"You're always late." You remind him. "Like, always."

Tony frowns, and pretends to think.

"Oh, right." He nods. "Good point, kiddo."

You smirk triumphantly. "It's okay to be late if you're a Stark, though, right?"

"Right." He ruffles your hair. "You're a fast learner."

"Wow. I thought since he was Stevie's friend, he would at least have some of the goody-goodliness. Turns out not."

"Cut him some slack." Steve checks his watch again. "Only ten minutes."

"Only ten?" You scoff. "Time is golden."

"Unless you're a Stark." Tony tells you.

"Then you have all the time in the world." Winking, you finish the sentence. "Yep."

Hawkeye scoffs. "Starks."

Cap takes out his phone and brightens. "Oh, hey! No, the one next to it. It's really tall. Yeah, just go in. Take the lift. It's... yeah. Yeah. They're waiting. Yeah. See you."

"Cap learned how to fit into the 21st Century already!" Clint claps and they join him.

Steve smiles. "Yes." Shoving his phone in his pocket. "He's coming."

"Jeez, I'm so excited." You comment sarcastically.

He obviously doesn't get sarcasm, because he just nods. "Me too."

The elevator dings open.

A man in a black coat, black pants, a black hat and a black everything steps out.

"He's....dark." Wanda whispers.

He raises his head and tilts his hat up. "I'm Bucky Barnes."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "S...stay back."

"I'm Bucky Barnes."

Those words shred your heart to bits.

Your heart stops beating.

Your lungs stop working.

Your body shuts down.

Wanda glances at you, worried, and you take an instinctive step back. You feel like a belt is tightening around your chest. As your hand desperately seeks for something to stabilize your body on, it sweeps over the flowerpot and it crashes to the floor.

Everybody's eyes are on you.

You start gasping for air once the pressure is unimaginable.

Wanda wraps an arm around you. "Shh." She says. "Calm down."

Bucky.

He's a few feet away but looks like he's right in front of you, and you half want to cry at the sight of him and flinch, and half want to throw yourself in his arms.

_But Bucky is the Winter Soldier._

A tear slips down your cheek and your body is wracked with sobs. You feel cold all over. The memories flash past your eyes and you can feel the pain, the immense pain that made you wish you would die.

"(Y/N)?" He says, disbelieving. He seems to be handling it better than you, but then again, he wasn't the one forced to endure torture.

He takes a step towards you and you flinch visibly.

Your fingers start to twitch. You start to lose control.

Banner is the first to fall, collapsing to the floor with a resounding crash as all the gamma radiation is sucked from his body. Wanda, who's closer to you, is next- she gasps as magic is pulled out from her body. Thor grabs the sofa to steady himself, but falls down anyway, lightning speeding out of his body and into yours.

Clint starts to shiver. "Is it just me, or is it really cold suddenly?"

Tony's eyes widen. "Oh shit, she's taking the heat from your body, Barton-" then he looks down in surprise as the familiar blue glow of the arc reactor ceases.

Nat opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

Cap comes towards you, but his movements are sluggish.

The couch starts to rise in the air.

Bucky.

Bucky.

Bucky.

He opens his mouth to say something but you thrust out your hand. "S...stay back." You whisper, and Wanda's red magic pours out of your fingers. He just manages to dive out of the way.

The tears begin falling faster, and you turn and run.

You release the energy you collected, taking control of your body at least for a few seconds, as you run. You haul your ass out of there.

Fumbling with the doorknob, you push the door open and manage to lock it. Your  _useless, useless_ fingers tremble as they take out your tool kit and pop the lid open, and with numb fingers you pick up your razor blade.

The blade glints in the light, and you sob as you dig the knife into your skin. A wound springs open, blood dripping out, and only then can you relax, taking shaky breaths and grasping the edge of the sink. You make a few more cuts, your head becoming clearer and clearer. Red is all you can see.

Someone knocks at the door: "(Y/N)?" and you gasp, shoving the bloody razor under the sink and then into your toolkit, and you quickly push it in the closets beneath the sink. You turn on the tap and silently watch the scarlet mix with the clear, like paint, and then grow lighter and lighter until it disappears. Then you rinse the cuts under the tap and tug down your blouse sleeves.

Taking a deep breath, you unlock the door.

"(Y/N)! Are you okay?" Nat asks you, eyes full of concern. "What's wrong? What triggered the attack?"

You hate to kick out one of your best friends like this, but you have to.

"Can you... give me some space?"

She nods, understanding, and closes the door.

You slide down, back hitting the cold wall, and cry.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "That wasn't rude. That was the streak of the old (Y/N) I used to know."

You've had no sleep.

Hands firmly wrapped around a cup of coffee, you sigh and stare into the swirling drink, feeling caffeine washing through you. You know with your lack of sleep, caffeine isn't exactly good, but you need it.

You tug at your sleeves, a nervous habit of yours. Nearly everything you own is long-sleeved anyway- you do, in fact, need to cover up the scars.

You lightly flinch as you hear footsteps, and turn around to see Tony walking down the stairs. You pray to god he didn't see you flinch.

"Are you okay, baby girl? How are you feeling?"

So maybe he did notice the flinch.

"I'm fine." You lie. "I'm really fine, dad." To avoid his stare, you turn around to make him another coffee. You already know his requirements.

"You sure?"

"Yeah." You take another sip of your coffee, washing down any guilt in your system. It's sweet and creamy- just as you like it.

"What happened yesterday?"

 _Oh, god._ You know it's your dad and he's just concerned, but you can't help but feel frustrated-  _everybody_ is asking you that, and it's not like they give a shit anyway.

You ducked your head. "He just looked a bit similar..... to someone I knew. From...." you can't say the name, and he just nods. His hand rubs circles in your back, but abruptly stops as he hugs you tightly. You cling into the warmth.

"I love you, kiddo." He whispers exaggeratedly.

You smile. You love it when he says that. "I love you too, dad." Then tearing away from him. "And here's your coffee."

He gives you a thumbs-up. "In that case, I really need to go try a few new things out." Winking, he slips out of the room with the coffee you made him.

As soon as his footsteps fade, you let the smile slide from your face and replace it with the expressionless straight face you usually put on.

There are footsteps down the stairs, and you whip around, your eyes wide. The feet pattern is the exact same as Bucky-

Because it is him.

He descends the stairs and you decide to distract yourself by making him a coffee too. Your hand shakes as it presses the button on the coffee machine and tries to ignore the chair next to you scraping back and him seating himself on it.

You take another sip of coffee and grabs the cup from beneath the machine, handing it to him. "H...here." Your voice comes out smaller than it usually is.

He dips his head. "Thank you." Unlike yours, the super soldier's voice is steady and firm. You feel your breath hitch as his fingers ghost over yours.

_Bucky's face is expressionless as he grabs the knife and cuts into your skin without a second thought._

You reel back from him and bury your face into your oversized sweater, breathing in Tony's scent slightly mangled with Clint's. It's Clint's sweater, him and you taking turns wearing it when you commented that one day he smelled nice. The Tony part is from when he hugged you.

 _Shh. There's here. You're okay._ You tell yourself, and breathe one more time.

Good.

You look up and your heart lurches to see Bucky staring at you.

_It's not the same stare. The Winter Soldier is just a cruel inhuman wearing the skin of Bucky Barnes._

But they look so damn similar.

You can't help but notice how his eyes fill with guilt when he sees you like this.

It makes you feel worse.

So, for your and his sake both, you desperately hide your face under the sweater. You try to calm yourself.

You refuse to look at him in the eyes. "H... have you had breakfast?" Your voice sounds hesitant and incredibly weak, and you internally beat yourself up for that. "When did y...you wake up?"

He shook his head no. "Didn't sleep."

That voice sends shivers down your spine. That voice is the voice that interrogated you while you were being hurt by the very metal hand you were seeing right now, yet that voice is the voice that played with your mind every night in the cell, the one that would declare how cute you were before kissing you roughly. It was that voice.

You loved it so much, yet you wanted to shiver and cry out at the mere hint of it.

"N...neither did I..." You mentally scold yourself for stuttering. "I... I know how to cook.... should I make you some?"

He blinks in surprise, and then shrugs. "If you want to."

You just smile, although you know it's so fake. You down the last of your drink before scraping back your chair and heading over to the gas stove. With expert hands, you flip it on with a tap (thanks to Tony's ridiculous knack for newest tech for everything, even the gas stoves) and sets a fry pan on the stove. You squeeze some oil onto it and tie your hair back with your hands. Cooking clears your mind. Cooking is good. Cooking is regular.

Breathing deeply, you calm your frantic mind and try to block out the man staring at you- the man you both loved and hated. You crack two eggs and dump them onto the frying pan, taking out your spatula, and wait for it to flip.

"You seem like you've done this a lot before."

"I have." You snap, then inhale sharply through your nose. "S...sorry for being rude."

"That wasn't rude." An amused expression. "That was the streak of the old (Y/N) I used to know."

"Before you fucking locked me in a cell, you mean, you asshat!" Feeling a tiny bit for lashing out at him, you quickly flip the eggs.

Bucky's silent, then he looks up and with a calm voice says, "I'm sorry."

You feel a pang of guilt at his sad stare. His guilty stare. His stare that seems to say,  _I'm so sorry....please forgive me._

 _I can't ever forgive you for what you did,_ your gaze seems to say.  _Not the fact that you tortured me, but the fact that you loved me, you fed me with your lies about how we were so happy, then how you didn't hesitate to turn your back on me._

The eggs are done. You turn the stove off, before it burns, and set those on a plate, sliding it over to him. He looks intently at your sleeves.

"You should have your sleeves up when you cook; they might catch fire." He quietly says, and you curse internally for having this soft spot in you that doesn't want to hate him.

He looks down at the two eggs on his plate. "Thank you."

You turn, and flee.

The only thing you're good at.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I love you."

Bucky wants to go crazy.

He sees her every time he walks into a room, but whenever she even remotely meet his gaze she flees- whenever he even touches her she flinches.

He's plagued with the memories too: not being able to sleep at night due to the images flashing in his head. He hates his life.

Even though it's not him and it's actually the Winter Soldier who's done it, he doesn't care. He feels guilty all the same, because even the Winter Soldier loved her, and she was broken.

By him.

But (Y/N) Stark is no longer the sassy, cheerful girl he remembered her to be. In front of others, maybe, but not in front of him. Their conversations would be filled with stuttering and awkward glances, as well as occasional exchanges in remarks. But nothing more. She didn't seem to pry or to try to get a better relationship- no, she was far too broken for that. Her top priority was to stay a safe distance away from him, and do that  _well._

He's not kidding anybody. He sees it every time (Y/N) makes a move- her smiles are like masks, on just for the show of it and sliding off as easily as changing clothes. Although she has regained some of the sarcasm and the fun he loved, he still knows that some of it is a lie: even her own father thinks she's healing, but she's not. She's just as broken as he is, just another victim of HYDRA left behind.

His eyes follow her as she enters the room: today she's dressed in a white shirt and a black leather jacket over it, as well as jeans. He sees that she always wears long sleeves- probably to hide the scars that he himself inflicted upon her. Every time he thinks of it, bile rises up in his throat and he wants to smash the metal arm to bits and turn back time. He wants to hold her in his arms again, and hear her call him  _Bucky,_ and he wants to call her  _doll_ again.

It's so damn frustrating that he has to be soft with her now. Soft? With (Y/N) Stark? A year ago he would have laughed out loud and accused them of bluffing. Now all he does is just longingly replay the past, before HYDRA mind wiped him and made him torture her, when she would glance lovingly at him and they would laugh and joke and she would tell him Edgar Allen Poe with her soothing voice.

He misses her- there's no other word for it.

He  _loves_ her.

So damn much.

He knows it's for the best when he stays away: he had hurt her, he had broken her heart. But he can't. She's so perfect, and he's so flawed, but also so selfish.

(Y/N) laughs and leans her head on Clint's shoulder as they sit in front of the TV. The archer flicks a piece of popcorn at her and she punches his arm lightly. Bucky feels a pang through his chest.

He can't believe he's jealous- of her, being with a married guy in his forties.

It's irrational- but he can't control it.

He's not used to having uncontrolled emotions.

(Y/N) Stark.

"I love you." He whispers the three words he can't ever say to her, and drops his head.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I want to give you another chance."

A knock, at your door.

"Who is it?" You called out, and when there was no reply, turned from your computer and scrubbed your face with your hands. "Just... go away or something, unless you're Nat or Wanda or Tony."

No answer.

You felt yourself draw out a long sigh. "No answer means no entry, you know."

"It's me, doll." A voice said from the other side. "Bucky."

You drew in a sharp breath and your fingers closed around the gun, as always strapped to the bottom of your table. "Why are you here?"

You knew you were being paranoid. You knew nothing was going to happen.

Then why did you feel so scared?

"Just wanted to talk."

"What do you _mean_ you just want to talk? There _is no just talk!"_

"Come on, doll." He pleaded.

You snarled. "If you want to talk to me, you're either going to talk to me separated by a door or strapped to a table. I'm not taking any chances to have an attack, Barnes."

A sigh. "(Y/N)..." Hesitation. "...we have to stop doing this."

"Doing what?" You snapped, your voice coming out harsher than intended. "I mean, doing what?"

"This." He sighed, again. "You're ignoring me or being scared, and I'm guilty as fuck. We have to sort this out or it'll never be fixed."

You snorted. "It'll never be fixed, huh? Darling, I had five anxiety attacks this week because of you and I almost got shipped off to the hospital in one of them, in another I did get shipped off but got released in two days and in one I only got healed because Wanda did a temporary fix."

Silence, then- "I never knew the memories affected you that much." In a smaller voice. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry, yeah?" You knew you were being unjust, but you had to pour out this vent-up anger at someone- and the most rational choice right now seemed to be Bucky. "Did you know I waited and begged? Every day, I begged for you to kill me if you loved me, and you didn't show that much of a reaction. You showed a reaction when you saw Steve at the bridge. He told me. That means I meant less to you than Steve? I meant less to you than anything? Does that mean I meant anything to you at all, other than a toy they threw you and let you have fun with? And that's not all." You took a deep breath. "When I got released from HYDRA by the Avengers, I waited for you. I thought you could be alive, no, I begged you would be alive or you would come back to me as the Bucky I knew. But you left me hanging." You slumped in the chair and crossed your arms over your chest. "You don't get anything. You don't get it, Bucky, how I fake a smile for everyone just because I have to, and they'll probably make me take therapy with Nat. I don't cry for their sake, and I get up from bed every morning because of it. I already fell from the cliff you put me on. There  _is no (Y/N). I'm just a shell."_

A few clicks, and you heard the door open. Those familiar footsteps headed towards you and a hand landed on your shoulder- a cold metal hand.

You shook the hand off. "Gedoffa me." You mumbled.

His head drooped sadly. It was really depressing. "Come on, (Y/N). Another chance."

You glared. "No."

He nodded, so fucking  _understanding._

_You're going to miss him._

_This isn't good for both of you._

_This is your last chance._

_Bucky was the best man you could ever have._

_His heart belongs to you.... don't break it._

A sudden strength surged through your limbs and you grabbed his wrist, turning him around. "Wait."

"You don't have to rub it in my face, (Y/N)."

You shook a little from being this close to him. "I... I want to give you another chance."

His eyes widened. "A... are you sure?"

"Y...yeah." You took a deep breath and nodded. "I... I am."

"Then I love you." With happiness sparkling in his eyes, Bucky kissed you.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's okay."

They've snuck up on the roof. It's a delightful temperature, slightly cold but not too cold, and you're wearing long sleeves anyway so you don't mind.

No one's there except the two of you, you and Bucky. It's been a few weeks, and now you realize  _you control your fears._ It's not the other way around, your paranoia isn't fucking around with you, but it's you who decides.

You admit you've missed Barnes. You missed how he whispered to you with that goddamn cute nickname, and you missed calling him Bucky and him holding you at night. You missed everything.

You smile.

"Hey, Buck." Snuggling into his side even further, you close your eyes and breathe in the fresh air. The screams of pain and the blood seem so far away in the distance, even muffled.

"Hey, Doll." He replies, and grins, showing a hint of that smile you love so much.

He wraps his arm around you, the flesh one, and you feel the warmth, assuring yourself that the Winter Soldier couldn't be this warm. No, this isn't him. This is James Bucky Barnes. This is the man you love, the man you fell in love with at the prison cell.

Lost deep in your thoughts, you stare mindlessly at the sky and ignore the faint honking of car horns in the distance, the bright lights that blind out the stars. Freedom seems... strange to you, after such a long time. Sometimes you even have to remind yourself not to ask Nat or Tony's permission to go to the toilet.

It's just so  _weird._

You have to admit you're still healing, but that doesn't stop the jolt of guilt in your system as you flinch slightly at his touch. It's barely suppressed and you mentally slap yourself as you feel Bucky stiffen next to you.

He lets out a long sigh next to you and your eyes flicker up to him before staring back at the inky sky again, "Something on your mind?"

"I'm..." He swallows. "I'm sorry, (Y/N)... For everything I did. I know I... I know I made you suffer, and.. just... Maybe you wish you never met me, and I'm sorry for being so selfish and... and wanting you."

Your eyes darken and you squeeze your eyes shut. Don't react. It's Bucky, goddamn it! Just because they wear the same face doesn't mean they're the same!

Taking a deep breath, you calm yourself before turning to the slightly flustered man. "Buck-"

"Just... thank you for considering getting back with me, I... I... really-"

"Bucky Barnes, it wasn't your fault. It was a certain _shit_ organization that made you do that, and I don't blame you for that, okay?" You shiver a little under the cold touch of his metal hand. "I might be a little... a little PTSD..."

"You mean a lot."

"But..." You turn to glance straight into his eyes, "It's _okay._ I forgive you, Bucky."

* * *

He feels astounded. Honored, really.

After all he's done...

she forgives him, she says it's okay. Even  _he_ doesn't fucking forgive himself, and he realizes, like he always had, that she is such a beautiful woman and he is probably the luckiest man on earth.

"Thank you." He whispers. His breath is shallow and excited.

"Someone needs to care." She smiles. "I love you, it's okay."

Although he wants to argue that  _he_ should be the one comforting  _her..._ she was the victim after all, he can't really argue because she presses her lips onto his.

He can tell she's pretty hesitant, based on how awkward she is, but he takes the chance anyway and kisses back, with about a few decades of experience. Bucky never kisses her unless she kisses him first. She had argued at first, but he doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore, especially (Y/N) Stark.

His metal hand brushes a strand of hair back from her face and moves to cup her cheek carefully, trying to be soft and precise with every move even though that's not him. He feels her lean into his touch and kiss him back, struggling a little to catch up to the speed his lips are going. But it's okay. He just loves her, so, so, much.

Bucky's other hand slides down her clothed arm and hesitantly hovers over her hip. When he's confirmed that she's not going to flinch, he brings down his warmer hand on her hip gently. Her hand is resting on his chest, feathery light and sending sparks up his spine when she comes in contact with his skin, and her other hand is curling around the nape of his neck, playing with the locks of hair.

He deepens the kiss and runs his tongue over the entrance of her mouth as a silent plea. Slowly she parts her lips, just a fraction, and his tongue slips in, exploring every inch.

* * *

You feel him kiss you, and calm your erratic heartbeat. Bucky Barnes... Bucky Barnes... Bucky Barnes...

 _Not_ the Winter Soldier.

Oh, god, how you hate HYDRA for doing this to both of you, leaving you as a scared, broken toy and him as a pained ex-assassin whose past comes to haunt him ever so often. You both take this badly- some days he wakes up sweating and crying out hoarsely in Russian, some days you shoot upwards, screaming, your fingernails clawing at the unhealed scabs on your skin and pain shooting through your body. Tony's probably not going to allow it, so at night you sneak into his room and curl up next to him, concentrating on his smell. His smell is different- the Winter Soldier reeked of iron and blood. Bucky Barnes, however, smells of a distinct scent of cologne, more lively.

His cold hand moves down to the base of your neck and you feel him stop kissing you, and you suck in air. Just as you're getting confused to why he's stopping, his mouth drops down and sucks at the sensitive skin. You gasp and his flesh hand moves down, resting on your thigh. Your yoga pants suddenly seem so blazingly hot- as he hits the sweet spot on your neck, you arch your back and moan softly.

Taking it as a sign of concern, he stops, immediately. You're surprised at the amount of restrain he has. "Are you okay? Should I... should I stop?"

"Bucky, you don't need to check on me every few minutes." You cradle his cheek with your hand and kiss him shortly. "For the last time, it's okay."

He nods, relieved, and his warmer hand reaches towards your tee. You almost take it off, then stiffen. You can't take it off. He'll see your scars, he'll see how you look, he'll-

"Doll." He whispers. "I'm not going to judge you for how you look."

It must have been evident in your eyes because you shift uncomfortably before wrapping an arm around yourself protectively, "Promise?"

"Believe me," He says with a smile on his face, "I look worse."

You insecurely avert your eyes before nodding slightly. His fingers grasp the edge of your tee and pull it above your head, leaving you in nothing but your underwear.

"I..." His jaws go slack when he sees your scars. His eyes drift to your forearms, where they recognizable letters are carved into there, thick white scars making out the letters  _HYDRA._

"Oh, god, (Y/N)... I am so sorry for this..."

A tear slips down your cheek as he traces the letters on your skin, and unexpectedly kiss it.

"You don't... you don't hate them?"

Meeting his gaze, you see nothing but pity and guilt, and anger too- anger at himself. "How could I have let myself-"

"It was the Winter Soldier, not you, Buck." You offer him a small smile. "Just as long as I know that, it's okay."

His shirt is on the floor in seconds, and he presses himself flush against your body, fingers digging into your hips.

"I'm never going to hurt you like that again, doll." He growls softly. "I promise."

Bucky Barnes captures your lips in an addictive, passionate kiss, and you let yourself, for the first time, lose yourself in him.

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's like a magic pee-stick that's not magical at all."

You stare up at the ceiling, a wave of nausea hitting you once more as you try to control it.

_No... no... no..._

Taking a few deep breaths, you make sure you can stand without puking before leaning against the wall, a hand on your irritated stomach. It's getting worse.

You hear Nat's voice, muffled, on the other side. "Hey, (Y/N), you okay?"

"I'm..." You stifle your mouth as bile rises in your throat again, and force it down. "...fine."

"You sure don't sound like it." She pounds on the door. "Let me in."

Knowing you have no point arguing with her, you unlock the door with a flick of your wrist and smile sickly at her. "Hi, Nat."

"You don't seem very well." She raises an eyebrow. "What's wrong?"

"Just a bit nauseous. Probably too much popcorn on movie night." You lie, and your hand curls into a fist as you feel the bile rising up once more.

Oh, but you have a perfect idea what it is.

Natasha doesn't seem that convinced either, and calls Wanda into your room. "Hey, can you get the medical supply box for us?" She says with a smirk.

* * *

"This is ridiculous." You bury your face in your hands. "Absolutely ridiculous. No. This cannot be true. This is fake. Fake as hell."

"Nuh-uh, (Y/N), trust the wand." Nat responds, holding it up for you to see. "The wand never lies."

You groan, dread filling you as you think of your father. Your overly protective father. "What am I going to tell Tony?!!"

"Your fault for being an irresponsible prat." Wanda playfully shoves you, then her expression turns more serious at your face. "Seriously, (Y/N), were you _thinking_ at all?"

"It's not my fault!" You wail. It really isn't- they had no idea. "We didn't know! We thought the bullshit they did would stop it from happening!"

"You should have confirmed the bullshit." The Sokovian sighs. "How long?"

"Two weeks!" It's not obvious now, but soon it will be. You feel despair. What if they don't want it? What if they're mad at you?

Natasha gently sits next to you and rubs your back. "How many times, if you don't mind me asking?"

The fact that this weird thing is happening, as well as your friends being so damn nice, and the prospect of facing the Avengers, are so huge that you burst into tears. "It was... it was j-just twice! We did- we didn't even..." You sniffle and wail again.

"Was it the first time you...?" Wanda sits on the other side of you and shushes you softly.

"Yeah! I didn't even know, I... I..." You cry and they just glance at each other.

Finally Wanda speaks up. "I think you should tell Tony."

"I think you should tell everyone." Nat counters. "It's better to get everything settled, right?"

"T- Tony will be so mad!" You wipe away your tears, which seems like it doesn't want to stop. "He'll- He'll kick me out!"

"He's your dad." Wanda encourages. "What's the worst that could happen?"

* * *

"YOU WHAT?" Tony is absolutely furious. "SAY THAT AGAIN!"

"I'm..." You feel tears welling up in your eyes. You  _knew_ this would happen, you knew it would be like this, oh, god... "Daddy, I'm pregnant..."

"Baby girl, I warned you so many times..." He sighs, and paces around for a bit. "How long has it been?"

"Two weeks, I'm guessing." You slump in your chair.

"How do you know this?"

Instead of talking, you slide over the pregnancy test, encased in a ziploc bag. "You had some in the medicine cabinet."

He looks at it and a hopeful glance lights up in his eyes. "It's like a magic pee-stick that's not magical at all. It could be false. I, for one, believe that pregnancy tests are a scam."

As a reply, you take out a form, a blood test generously done by Banner and kept secret by Banner, and slide it over to Tony. He picks it up and scans it over.

"(Y/N)." His voice is dangerously low. "This was irresponsible. I didn't expect this from... from you!"

The disappointment radiating off his voice, combined with his shadowy expression, is enough to set you off. "It's not my fault, okay?! Dad, I didn't even know this would happen! And, oh, how many times have _you_ fucked one of the girls you brought home without protection, huh? Oh, did you fuck my mom without protection too?"

He's silent, and he knows that you're right. Tony Stark the playboy has nothing to say in this matter.

"There is one option..." He trails off. He knows you don't want it- in fact, he knows you'll go hysterics if he says it.

"I'm NOT going to murder a fetus, okay?! I'll just have to take care of it the best I can!"

"You're not even married!" He bellows. "WHO THE FUCK IMPREGNATED MY DAUGHTER?!"

Thankfully, no one hears- there's a reason why his room is soundproof.

"Dad-" You try, but he cuts you off with a menacing look.

"All I ask is this. Which _bastard_ fucked up my daughter and got her a baby?"

You swallow.

"(Y/N)." He says in a warning tone. You feel afraid.

Drawing in a sharp breath, you confess, "It was Bucky!"

He is less than pleased with the answer. You can see it in him- how his eyebrows knit together in a vicious kind of way, and the muscles in his jaw tighten. "That son of a bitch got you pregnant?"

"He's not a son of a bitch, dad!" You complain. "It's... it's not... We didn't predict it! We thought HYDRA messed up his body so much he wouldn't be able to reproduce-"

His eyes are boring into you. "Get out." He says, finally.

"Dad..." You feel tears in your eyes, and now they're slipping down your cheeks, running down your face.

"GET OUT! (Y/N), GET OUT!" He shouts and you sob into your sweater, muffled. He shouts at you and you open the door ajar, slightly. Steve comes running.

"Tony, what's wrong with-" Cap freezes at the sight of you leaving his room in tears and Tony screaming at you.

Tony looks absolutely outraged as he collars Cap, "Tell your bastard friend to keep it in his pants!"

"Dad!" You yell.

"Sam?" Steve questions, then realization dawns on his face. "Bucky?"

"Bucky Barnes!" Tony hollers.

The rest of the Avengers are running towards them at the sound of Tony's raised voice. You start crying silently. This is all gone wrong- your dad is mad at you, you don't know how Buck will react, and everyone's about to hear the news.

"What is wrong?" Thor tumbles in, swinging his hammer. He catches sight of you weeping and his gaze softens. "Dear Lady Stark..."

Steve's eyes flicker between you and Tony. "You better explain it to the rest of the team."

You see Wanda and Nat staring at you with pity and sympathy.

"Go on!"

Tony just glares at the floor.

You sniffle, then open your mouth when the elevator makes a pleasant dinging sound and the very man, Bucky, steps out. "Guys? What's wrong? Why-"

Your father strides over in a few quick steps and smashes his fist into Bucky's face. Instinctively, though, the ex-assassin dodges. Tony's eyes are dark.

"You... you _fucker._ "

"What's wrong?" Steve puts a hand on Tony's shoulder. "For god's sake, Tony, what's wrong?"

"Ask (Y/N)." He crosses his arms.

"Buck." You turn to the man, who's looking clueless. "I'm... I'm pregnant."

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm safe now."

**5 MONTHS LATER**

Your head hangs between your legs and you can barely breathe, the sobs jerking your body so much you can't steady yourself. Hiccuping a little, you lean your head back against the door and keep crying, blood dribbling down your wrist and the cause of that blood right next to you, lying in a broken heap. The surface catches in the light coming from under your door and glints wickedly, and you take the pieces before carelessly flinging them across the room, gasping as they slice your hands open. You don't care, though, and continue to throw them away, the tears now dripping down your cheeks, down your chin, staining the floor, your clothes, the blood mingling with the tears and they stain your carpet a watery red, almost like how water mixes with scarlet paint. You feel sorry as you see the sky blue carpet dotted- no, _streaked_ with splashes of crimson.

Not bothering to clean it up, you lock the door one more time and thrust a chair underneath it, preventing it from opening at the pounding of the people on the other side. Rushing through the window, you ignore the trickling, uncomfortable coldness of running blood as you barricade the window, reinforcing it with you don't know what, a thick shield made of some kind of red substance, and it envelops your room. The walls shimmer a similar shade of scarlet before morphing into a rich purple and the two colors hold firm against the pounding of the doors, the windows, the walls.

_I'm safe now._

Curling up on the floor, you tuck your knees up to your chest and wrap your arms firmly around them, rocking back and forth, whispering to yourself, crying streams of water, the blood cascading down your wrists that are shred to ribbons almost like a waterfall.

You hear shouting, banging.

You hear the aggravated growl of Thor and his hammer smashes against your protective wall. You hear a crash, and most likely Thor got thrown backwards, punching a hole in the gym, the minibar, and the shower rooms.

Voices. Always voices. You hear them, clear as day, through the barrier and through the wall.

"....give up now...Stark...have to suffer....pain...be...asset..." The familiar words ring, and you clasp your hands over your ears tightly, screaming. You can smell the blood, the scars ripped open. You tear at the old wounds and the force of it tears them open. You reach and your hand closes over the knife, and you drag it painstakingly over the five letters carved in your wrist and shriek.

You wonder if you're going crazy.

But at the same time, so many  _fucking thoughts fill your head, and so many fucking voices fill your ears, all you can concentrate on is the iron stink of blood, the knife still embedded within your wrist, the words of the Captain repeating, again and again-_

You just have the time to pull the knife out with a hoarse shriek before the world turns black.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry, dad... oh, god, I'm so sorry."

Your eyes flit open and see yourself held down by restraints, leather straps tight around your wrists. You're dressed in your pajamas, a black  _STARK INDUSTRIES_ tee and shorts, and you hear someone saying something in Russian. The scene is vaguely familiar.

You scream and jerk, suddenly realizing  _why the fuck it's so familiar._

The Winter Soldier's next to you and you thrash against the bounds, screaming, begging, the dam of tears reopening as cries pass your lips, about how you'll do anything, how you just hated them so much for taking Bucky away from you, how you miss Tony, how you'll never be another asset.

The man next to you, it's queer how his eyes sadden by every word you say. You don't know what's wrong, but you know you're with HYDRA, you know somehow you're back in that moment where they had captured you, and you know your future.

You know you have to get out.

Grimacing, you gasp as the familiar power rush through your veins and watch as the leather straps grow red-hot, the ooze slowly melting off. You maneuver them so none gets on your skin, and when they're melted enough you tug them out of the straps. Your knife. You need your knife. Where is it?

You shake yourself out and the Winter Soldier is grabbing you, saying something in English. Telling you to stay calm so the Doctor can come and get you, so he can help you get better.

You know you're not fooled. You know how it is, how the Doctor is going to tell you about why you're here, it's going to be the death of you. You can't deal with this again.

Narrowing your eyes, you pretend to relax and a small smile spreads across your face. "Sorry." You say, sheepishly.

"It's okay, I-" His words are cut off as you slug him and duck, sweeping his legs out from beneath him. He lets out a grunt of pain and catches himself before he hits the ground, so you wrap your legs around his neck. You don't know what game he's playing at, why he's not fighting back, but you know this isn't anything good.

Doctors rush into the room and you lick your lips, the salty trails near it instantly catching the taste buds of your tongue. Buck's growing redder beneath you.

_Wait, Bucky?_

A nurse hastily passes a syringe to the doctor right in front of you and he leans down to insert it. You knock it out of his hand and when Bucky-  _the Winter Soldier_ stops squabbling, stands up, holding your hands out towards them. "Get back."

You repeat it in Russian when they don't respond.

Behind you, you hear the window breaking and whip around, coming face-to-face with Steve Rogers. His huge form has your thoughts instantly connecting him to the Winter Soldier, to the Captain, and you freeze, terror filling your eyes.

A thunk, and you turn to see yourself sandwiched between your dad and Steve. His eyes are teary.

The tears trigger something inside you.

"I..." Your tongue feels so big in your mouth, you feel clumsy. How affected he must be. And yet you are just thinking about yourself, selfishly thinking only about  _you,_ when Tony is giving up everything just for his baby girl to be home again, safe with him. "I'm sorry, dad... oh, god, I'm so sorry."

You're only coming to your senses just now, so you let the doctor insert the needle in your neck.

You fall unconscious in your father's waiting arms.


	24. Chapter 24

**3 MONTHS EARLIER**

Yawning, you try to ignore your dad sending miniature glares at you as Bruce analyzes the pictures on the screen.

"That's coming up nicely." He remarks. "Feel anything? Nauseating, stomach pain, back pain, swollen feet?"

"I throw up too much." You respond, making a face.

It's been a whole month since the Tony-gets-pissed thing, and although he hasn't exactly cooled down, he's not raging mad, either, so it's a pretty big improvement. Bucky avoiding Tony at all costs seems to have done the job better than you could have hoped for, as your dad no longer yells and tries to bite your lover's head off: instead, you get cold glares and invisible battles.

You feel a little guilty, but you hate Tony for that.

Tony has absolutely no say on the matter: he's Tony Stark, former playboy philanthropist. He'd had a lot of accidents, and had sent all the women away after one-night stands. Hell,  _you_ were an accident.

You know he's just being overprotective, but that makes you wonder why the hell he needs to be.

Shivering slightly at the cold air hitting your navel, you ask, "Can I pull my shirt down?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure." Bruce nods, sending you a friendly smile. Sighing, you pull your shirt over your protruding belly.

Turning to Bucky, you make a face. "'M _fat_ now."

"You'd think." He mumbles as he helps you up. "Imagine you 4 months."

You've discussed this with Bucky, and although he took a little convincing (still less than your dad), he finds the fact that you're pregnant with  _his_ baby relatively okay.

At least, he hasn't run away yet.

" _You_ wouldn't know." You scowl as you push yourself up and begin walking. "Just because you're a guy."

"Stop acting so salty." Sam laughs, but stops; one glare from you is enough to silence him.

"I'm salty, huh." Flipping your hair dramatically, you glower at him. "Why don't _you_ try being pregnant and see how it feels."

"I think I'll pass."

You smile.


End file.
